Editor’s note: If it’s one thing I have learned over the past dozen years or so, it’s that fans of JRR Tolkien and the movies based on his books have a great sense of humor. (At least the vast majority of them do.) With that in mind, I am pleased to present the first of a series of Hobbit Satire pieces, written by HJ’s own Michael P. Mordenga. The plan is to publish one satirical piece every Friday evening until Bilbo comes home… or until Michael runs out of material. This is some pretty funny stuff. Enjoy!
It was about 3:00 am in his California condo when Peter Jackson woke from a restless sleep and exclaimed, “It’s just a book.”
This is in response to his constant obsessing and anal-retentive nit picking of the Lord of the Rings series. “I was a mess,” Peter confesses. “I was originally going to split The Hobbit into eight three-hour pieces with parts of the Silmarillion weaving themselves into the movies. Then I was going to take those three-hour segments and expand them into four-hour extended scenes using bits and pieces of short stories. I had planned an episode just of hymns and Shire drinking songs, while Gandalf discusses Middle-earth philosophy. I finally realized I had a sickness, and this was just a children’s book.”
So immediately Peter called his Associate Director and explained that he threw out over 19 hours of script and concept art. The new movie is going to be one iteration and it is only going to be an hour and a half long.
“This is a huge step for Mr. Jackson,” Fran Walsh, screenwriter and spouse, admits. “He has never been able just to make a simple movie. Everything he touches has to be a three hour overkill fest. Everyone was too afraid to tell him so we are glad he finally snapped.”
The new vision for The Hobbit is a straightforward action romp, where Bilbo gets a team of warriors and fights Gollum’s army. It will more resemble the pace of X-Men 3: The Last Stand. “I was completely going to show each and every metaphysical detail of the Shire universe,” Peter admits, “But then I realized that this movie is just a bunch of warrior dudes going on an adventure and fighting goblins! It doesn’t have to be more than that.”
Other significant changes include Peter’s overhaul of the Hobbit people. He wants to make them more comical and silly for the movie. We will see Bilbo and Frodo slipping on banana peels and trying to climb up Gandalf. Also, since the Hobbits are actually little people we expect to see MTV’s Weeman make a guest appearance as Boozy the Hobbit.
“Expect more explosions,” Peter Jackson says. “This is a movie about sword fights and dragon fighting above all else. In the last scene Bilbo jumps from a tower and lands mid-flight on a dragon. Then one of the elves shoots a flaming arrow at a barrel of tar on the dragon and it explodes. I’m currently thinking of Bilbo’s action line.”
This rude awakening has changed many other things about Peter’s vision for the movie. He changed locations from the very expensive New Zealand to the more fairly priced Yosemite National Park. “Not everything I do has to be over the top,” he reveals. He is also going to nix all the “lame” singing and sappy orchestra music for something the kids can relate to.
“I have Adele and Taylor Swift working on the soundtrack. They seem excited to be part of a movie that only old dudes and scraggly bearded men work on.” Taylor Swift is releasing an exclusive song, “The One Heart to Rule Them All (Belongs To Me).”
Also, Peter seems excited about finally getting a person of color working in the all-white staff. “It’s about time we get some diversity and ethnicity in the film. I’m tired of not seeing Latinos, Blacks, or Asians.” Rumor has it that Will Smith and Rhianna have been called for specific parts.
These changes have not been without significant resistance. Fans, literary historians, and English teachers are rebelling that the movie will be tarnished and that Tolkien is spinning in his grave. The argument seems to be that The Hobbit deserves to be an eight-part, three-hour movie that dwells compulsively over every detail, song, phrase, and idiosyncrasy of the Tolkien Universe. “I will be willing to spend an entire day experiencing every song, relationship, and fantasy detail in this movie,” says Literary Historian Edward Brooks, who notes that Peter has left out fifty side characters in The Shire.
Peter has gone on record as saying, “Guys, it’s just a teenage fiction with magic and swords! Who cares? It’s just going to be rebooted again in five years. No one got this excited over the Hunger Games.”
In retaliation, members of the fan site Frodolives.TV, have decided to make a fan-made version of how the film should really look. Due to budget problems, they are planning on just asking Patrick Stewart to read the book in front of a camera for twelve hours. Who knows, it might be better than Peter’s one hour thrill ride of action.