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Ehud Report: Call of Duty Movie
Activision Reveals New Movie
Call of Duty Movie will be very faithful to the game

 

A recent leak at Activision and Treyarch reveals that Call of Duty will be a live action movie that reflects the games.  Reports say that the movie is already in production.  The film will be directed by Peter Berg whose expertise involves turning games like Battleship into full fledged movies.

Call of Duty is going to be a fan service to the millions that play it.  We took everything from the games and turned it into a 120 page script,” Peter Berg explained.

The teaser scene he showed us explains just how much of the game Berg is using in his movie.  In the scene where Delta Squad infiltrates a Colombian drug cartel, the soldiers step off the helicopter.  The drug cartel starts to open fire on the squad.  Immediately the squad goes into action by jumping up and down repeatedly, going prone for three seconds and then jumping up, looking down the scope for a millisecond, and firing.  Immediately the fire fight opens, all the soldiers find the nearest hill, and they snipe everyone.

“The story is going to be about Russia,” Peter comments, noticing that Call of Duty is obsessed with Russia.  “The whole country of Russia steals a nuke and threatens to blow up America,” Peter remarked, revealing that as the storyline for almost every Call of Duty game.

Captain Price, one of the leading special forces members of the game, will be played by Sean Connery.  The Russian terrorist leader, Makarov, will be played by Colin Farrell.  Other characters include The Russian President (Harrison Ford), The Russian Special Task Operator (Chris Hemmsworth), and The Russian bomb dealer (Simon Pegg).  “The trick was incorporating the persona of the character and mixing it with what a thirteen year old would say in death match.”  This is why Sean Connery’s character constantly calls the mother of downed enemies  “noob whores” and then dances around their bodies.

Harrison FordSean ConnerySimon Pegg

“It’s all about giving the fans exactly the same thing they have played year after year,”  Tim Truman, script writer and Commander Sgt in multiplayer, says, “You’ll definitely be able to relate when Special Forces Yuri gets shot in the face eight times, but instantly recovers when he hides behind a box for a few seconds.”

Tim Truman continued to give us scene by scene comparison to the game:

“In one of the scenes, the Delta Squad breaches open five doors with explosives.  In each one we slowed down the camera and had the soldiers shoot people in slow-motion.  It seems that the COD audience never gets tired of that.”

“In our obligatory snow base scene, Sean Connery gets knocked down by a Russian terrorist.  Someone throws him a pistol and he clears all the bad guys.  We didn’t want to spoil that scene so we only did it three more times in the movie.  Fans scored very high with it.”

“Yuri and Soap kill three commandos in the jungle and a voice over the walkie talkie tells them that they now have access to an air strike.”

“In our generic underground base scene we have the Delta Squad riding a train into a building, while helicopters are firing on them.  In the exciting conclusion, every vehicle, building, person, and red barrel explodes into a cacophony of fire.  Then Sean Connery gets out of the rubble and hijacks another helicopter, sending its flaming remains into three buildings, a statue, and an airplane.  They explode in a giant ball of wreckage into the Egyptian Sphinx.  It gets pretty sick.”

After about two hours, we had learned that this movie will, in fact, be very faithful to the game.  A poster released to Hollywood Jesus shows that for only three extra dollars, viewers will get a pair of goggles that show the score of each actor on shooting scenes.

But not every fan is enthralled by the coming of this movie.  Our own US Military has sent several letters to Peter Berg asking him to cease and desist. The gist of the letters can be summed up as “You are making us look bad, please stop!” and “We really don’t hate Russia that much!”

But Peter Berg continues to drive on with this project, saving his juiciest detail for last.  “We wanted an actor to represent player one.  This would be an actor that would represent the serious atmosphere of the Call of Duty series.  We wanted a skilled performer that would be synonymous with the sophistication and the professional realism of the series.  But we won’t reveal who it is yet.”

Steven Seagal

We peeked.  It is Steven Seagal.

For more hilarious hijinx, you can visit my t-shirt shop and get a shirt with Panda Unicorn on it.  Here is the link



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