He’s Just Not That Into You is a genuinely fun film that reminds me of the days when I was still dating: the thrill and excitement of new attraction, the questioning thoughts about whether someone likes you as much as you like them, and the surprising revelation of friendships that turn into much, much more. As a bonus, it has an enormous cast of likable actors and characters. These elements plus the realistic treatment of relationship-building made this movie particularly enjoyable for me.
Better yet, the only mature relationship in the film—between Neil (Ben Affleck) and Beth (Jennifer Aniston)—made me think about a Biblical concept I never really “got” before. Most of the story’s relationships were being newly built right there on screen, and even the married couple’s relationship had not been tested by fire until the entrance of Anna (Scarlett Johansson). But there was something about the calmness and tenacity of Neil and Beth’s relationship that struck a chord. Let me back up…
Several years after getting married myself, I began to mourn the loss of the “newness” and “thrill” of marriage which had been replaced by arguments and conflict. But about the same time, I began to notice a different kind of love at work. The battles, arguments, resolutions, and compromises on both sides gave the relationship a completely different tone. There was a strength there, a kind of gritty loyalty that had dug its feet in and set roots. As years passed and seemingly insurmountable conflicts came and went, that love grew even deeper and became fiercely protective. I don’t think I really comprehended the true nature of love until I reached these latter stages of marriage.
This was the kind of love I saw in the relationship between Neil and Beth. Beth, understanding the limits of what she could tolerate (i.e., never getting married), gave Neil an ultimatum. While most people think of ultimatums as destructive devices to manipulate, a strong relationship might more accurately call them boundaries. Neil had his boundaries too. He simply disagreed with the idea of marriage and would not be pushed into it by anyone. But mature relationships can handle boundaries, and these boundaries are often renegotiated. What one party thinks cannot be handled, can. And what another party disagrees with may be rethought for the benefit of the other person. What results in the end (whether separation for a time is part of the process or not) is the very nucleus of love: sacrifice.
So what does this have to do with the Bible? I admit that I never got into the biblical concept of the groom/bride analogy until I saw this movie. The idea of Christ as the groom and his followers as the bride always escaped me because I couldn’t make the jump from the giddy nature of a modern wedding day. The term “bride and groom” makes me think of young, ignorant people, filled with false anticipation of an eternally blissful relationship “from this day forward.” Surely Christ is not ignorant of the conflict we will bring to our relationship with him, and no Christian is fooled into believing that living a life of faith is all wine and roses. The analogy never had much merit in my mind.
But in the days the Bible was written, a couple would have entered into a betrothal period for a year or more. Biblical betrothal had all the elements of a formal marriage except for living together, and only a divorce could terminate the contract—all of this even before the actual marriage ceremony. Now, I would imagine that there were some fairly serious conflicts that arose during that year of betrothal, perhaps even enough to take away the “thrill” and “newness” of the relationship. It might have worked a lot like a modern-day common-law marriage like Neil and Beth’s. While the Jews didn’t let their children live and sleep together, betrothal was definitely a time of testing and working through the relationship. And that’s when it clicked…
The sacrifices, arguments, and negotiations in the relationship between Neil and Beth, in the early years of my marriage, and in our ongoing relationship with Christ while we are on this earth, are like the conflicts that would have come up during the Biblical betrothal period. The sacrifices from both parties would create a deeper kind of love than the giddiness I imagine from young couples getting married today. Thus, the Biblical bride and groom on their wedding day would experience the kind of genuine love that Neil and Beth had—one steeped in an understanding of one another and permeated by a willingness to fight for the relationship.
It is this kind of fierce loyalty that I more naturally identify with Christ. His grueling sacrifice to secure us as his own, his tolerance of our daily arguments and negotiations with him, his willingness to love us and help us despite all our faults… these elements are more like the relationship I know with Christ. And much like in my own marriage relationship, I am always amazed when I see him going to bat for me. Whether it is a battle of the wills, an expansion of the boundaries I thought I could handle, or simply recognizing his hand of protection over my life, the love grows deeper and stronger with each conflict.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Wow. Great writing, Melinda! my wife and I just celebrated our 30th anniversary, and I can sure relate. And your conclusions on how this fits with the metaphor of the Bride of Christ is dead on.
July 4th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I liked the content of your blog and the points you have mentioned that there is nothing like perfect marriage, communication, compromise, and the most effective tip to save a marriage is to be committed. Good reminder about to be committed, to be able to communicate, be willing to compromise, and be always in love.